masochistic moral superiority

i think a lot of general surgery revolves around masochistic moral superiority, in various interpretations of the phrase.

i think we tend to look down on people who we perceive to be slackers. like anesthesiologists for example. nurses. radiologists. even surgical subspecialists.

why? masochistic moral superiority. it’s like some relic from medieval times when people punished themselves to stay morally pure. like when religious people do all sorts of shit to themselves for having the weakness of mind and spirit to actually enjoy life. as if self punishment is good. i don’t know why general surgeons like punishing themselves. but it’s undeniable that we do.

i guess it’s the hope that after all the training and the beat down, we can become the type of people we wish to be. supremely knowledgeable, able to handle any acute problems, being a badass that knows exactly what to do at all times…  or is it “sometimes wrong, never in doubt”?

why do i want to become that person and at what cost? whatever happened to the common sense view that enjoying life is the best way to enjoy life? somehow along the way, i’ve been taught to think that delaying gratification was the best way to have a happy life. and now that it’s no longer about delaying gratification but not having any hope of it at all, i have to stop and wonder, what the hell? what is so devoid in my life that i need to become some sort of hero, taking on society’s bullshit burdens?

they say internship sucks and it gets better. i ask, why can’t it get like… a lot better? am i bold enough to ask whether it can actually be good, rather than just being “better than shitty”? i think some people go to work excited about their day and find fulfillment and possibly joy from their work. i really see no hope of that in medicine. i like operating and i think i have as much natural ability as anyone when it comes to manual dexterity. not that it matters. what matters now is being able to write fast because everything is done by paper and all i do is write bullshit orders, bullshit H&Ps, bullshit progress notes, and bullshit discharge summaries. i haven’t looked forward to a single day of my 10 weeks so far, and some days i go in with a sense of dread that accounts for not only the drudgery of the day ahead but also the entire year, entire residency… perhaps entire career. going to work at 5:30am everyday gets old and i don’t know that i will ever get used to it. and why should life be about getting used to pain? i am smart, accomplished, and i work hard. so why should i suffer?

i have also found out that i care little for the welfare of others. it is sad when the first thing you think about when someone dies is taking them off the patient list. one less patient to round on, right? cast the first stone if you’ve been through the hell of internship (a real one) and never once felt the same way. not that i have to defend myself because i’m fairly apathetic at this point.

oh well back to work to check pulses and spend 5 hrs writing notes that no one reads.